Some Fun For Wednesday - Insults For Those Bad Reviewers

A colleague of mine sent these to me. I thought this would be perfect for those letters you want to write to the reviewers who hated your books, or to the agents and editors who rejected your books.

Please remember, DO NOT SEND THE LETTER. Just vent at home, don't print, don't hit send, don't call. Just get it out of your system and write the next dang good book!

Shakespeare Insult Kit

Combine one word from each of the three columns below, prefaced with "Thou":

Column 1           Column 2            Column 3

 

artless             base-court          apple-john

bawdy               bat-fowling         baggage

beslubbering        beef-witted         barnacle

bootless            beetle-headed       bladder

churlish            boil-brained        boar-pig

cockered            clapper-clawed      bugbear

clouted             clay-brained        bum-bailey

craven              common-kissing      canker-blossom

currish             crook-pated         clack-dish

dankish             dismal-dreaming     clotpole

dissembling         dizzy-eyed          coxcomb

droning             doghearted          codpiece

errant              dread-bolted        death-token

fawning             earth-vexing        dewberry

fobbing             elf-skinned         flap-dragon

froward             fat-kidneyed        flax-wench

frothy              fen-sucked          flirt-gill

gleeking            flap-mouthed        foot-licker

goatish             fly-bitten          fustilarian

gorbellied          folly-fallen        giglet

impertinent         fool-born           gudgeon

infectious          full-gorged         haggard

jarring             guts-griping        harpy

loggerheaded        half-faced          hedge-pig

lumpish             hasty-witted        horn-beast

mammering           hedge-born          hugger-mugger

mangled             hell-hated          joithead

mewling             idle-headed         lewdster

paunchy             ill-breeding        lout

pribbling           ill-nurtured        maggot-pie

puking              knotty-pated        malt-worm

puny                milk-livered        mammet

qualling            motley-minded       measle

rank                onion-eyed          minnow

reeky               plume-plucked       miscreant

roguish             pottle-deep         moldwarp

ruttish             pox-marked          mumble-news

saucy               reeling-ripe        nut-hook

spleeny             rough-hewn          pigeon-egg

spongy              rude-growing        pignut

surly               rump-fed            puttock

tottering           shard-borne         pumpion

unmuzzled           sheep-biting        ratsbane

vain                spur-galled         scut

venomed             swag-bellied        skainsmate

villainous          tardy-gaited        strumpet

warped              tickle-brained      varlot

wayward             toad-spotted        vassal

weedy               unchin-snouted      whey-face

yeasty              weather-bitten      wagtail

Writing Is Not A Private Activity

Writers are always complaining about how they hate to do pitches because they are so shy. We hear writers
go on and on about how most writers are introverts. O.K. maybe there are a lot of writers out there that act that way, but all writers ARE NOT introverts and, if you want to make it in this business, you have to get your butt out of your chair and get out there to meet people.

Writing is a public business. Your success as a writer demands that you put yourself out there in front of the public. Readers want to know who you are, they want to know about you as a writer and they want to know about your books. This is a business that requires you getting out there to talk up your book every chance you get.

Think about it. If you are someone who follows publishers or writers on social media, how do you find out about the latest books? These people are all over the place chatting about their books. You see pictures of covers, you see blog posts, you see constant reminders about up-coming books. Why? Remember that so many of you decided to buy your books through those online bookstores? The result is that we don't have those brick and mortar stores to stumble across new authors. It wasn't the e-book push since that is still making up roughly 20% of the market. People cannot find you.

But this extends far beyond the advertising on social media. We're talking about getting out there in front of real people. As a published author, you now have an added responsibility of being more visible. This involves two things.

First, you have to attend conferences and workshops. You need to be sitting on panel discussions. You need to be helping out on all of those contests that you loved as an unpublished author, and yes, you need to be talking to other writers.

The second element is to be out there and ACCESSIBLE. I find it really frustrating when I see authors out there who have made it and yet, they walk around conferences acting as if they need body guards to keep "those writers" away from them. Somehow they seem to think they are better than everyone else. I am sure that new authors at one time would have thought, "Oh, I wish I could be that cool," but I do believe many of them turn into thinking, "Wow, these people are snobs." Yes, they are out in public, but the lack of accessibility is not there.

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Here are some great role models of being GREAT role models who are always out there with the public... (Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Helen Lacey, Ann Lethbridge, Steve Berry, Jade Lee, and Cherry Adair).

I think the thing to remember about all of this is that you have to be a public person. This is a business today that requires you to be that public figure. You cannot be that recluse like Emily Dickinson and make it big any more.

Think Like An Agent Or Editor Before You Submit

Writers are interesting people. They spend all of their waking hours thinking like a writer. Their minds are full of writing craft and it seems that everything they do and say during the day can somehow link back to their independent time in front of the computer typing out their stories. When you talk to them, they understand everything (or at least pretend to) about point of view, crafting the right line, goals, motivations and conflicts. And yet, when it comes to the real world, we often find they are lacking. 

No, I am not talking about that introvert side of writers that we see (yes this is a generalization). What I am referring to is how they think of their books and their submissions they send out to editors and agents, and yes, even the products they send out to the readers on their own if they chose that route to publishing.

I know that I am not alone on this one. There are far too many times when I have read a submission or listened to a pitch, when I ask myself "What were they thinking?" There have been cases when I am completely stunned at what was presented to me. In every one of these cases, I do believe it stems from the writer not really thinking.  More specifically, they were not thinking like the person on the other side of the table.

I teach a research writing class and one batch of writing they do are analysis essays of other writer's work (not peer editing). They are to really spend the time dissecting what works and doesn't work with the articles they read and then respond to each. Now part of this activity is to learn to write in this format as well as to understand analysis. But the bigger picture is to think like a reader. If you read something and you simply don't like what the person did, do you want to take that skill and put it into your own writing? On the reverse side, if you love an approach, would you want to use that skill the next time the situation arises for you?

With that idea in mind, as you craft your current story, is this really something you would want to read if you were someone buying a book. You need to ask yourself (honestly), "If I were looking for my next book to read, would I buy this book?" You would also extend it to ask a few more questions"

• What is it about this book that intrigues me?
• What do I like about the voice?
• Do I like the characters?
• Can I personally relate to the characters?

The key is that you have to be honest. Yes, I understand you are biased because it is your own work, but that is probably you thinking like a writer...NOT A READER!

This skill doesn't apply just to the writing. Before you hit send with that submission, stop and look at not just the product but the query letter and the entire package. You are now an editor or agent and have received this letter in the mail. Based on what you just sent, based on that "first impression" would you want to work with this person.

Before you answer this, let me put you in the right mindset. It is now 5:30 pm. You have been in the office since 7:00 am and have been in editorial meetings, talking to the art department, on the call with some agents about other projects, spent time editing a few of your own clients' works-in-progress, sending out letters, and probably eating lunch at your desk. It is late, you want to go home but there are 100 new submissions sitting on your computer and want to get through a couple before you leave. You might even transfer a few over to your e-reader to look at on the commute home. Now...

• Do you see enough in the query to want to read more?
• Is this writer showing you a marketable product?
• Are you seeing something that intrigues you in this story.
• As you scan the synopsis, does the story look like it has enough structure that you can work with it without months of revision?
• Does this writer sound professional? Remember, you are going to have to work with this person?

In simple terms, after that small submission, would you ask for more?

I do honestly believe that many of you would reject that person on the other side of the submission. The reason is that you are now looking at your submission from a different perspective. And yes, the same goes for pitching to!

I hear too many times writers complaining that "if editors and agents would read the whole story, they would understand and like my writing." They are thinking like a writer. Would you really do that if you were seeing it for the first time?

Just something to chew on for a Monday!

Pay Attention To The Story, Not The Money

My wife's grandfather was amazing at Blackjack. Apparently, he could sit at a table for hours on end and do nothing but make money. I did hear he had two rules that he lived by though. The first was that after the third loss in a row, he got up and left. I am assuming it was because the "MOJO" wasn't there any more. The second, however, is probably the most important rule. He said that the moment he started thinking things such as, "On the next hand I can make up the loss from this one," he would get up from the table and that would be the end of play.

In other words, the money was the focus and not the game.

Although I am not a football fan (I love my baseball), living in Seattle right now forces all of us to focus on the team.

GO HAWKS!
11-1
BEST IN THE NFL
YOU'RE GOING DOWN SAN FRANCISCO!

There, I did my cheering. In any case, I bring up the team because of the comments the media has been making about our quarterback, Russell Wilson. After the trashing of the New Orleans Saints on Monday, suddenly the media is talking about Wilson being in the running for the NFL MVP award. This guy was class though! His comment? "If I win it that would be fun, but this is the least of our worries. We [The Seahawks] focus each week on being 1-0." In other words, his focus is only on that game. Not anything in the past. Not anything in the future. Just that game.

Now what does all of this have to do with writing? A LOT!

I do believe that writers today are far too focused on the money, on the contracts, and on the prize or being on the NY Times or USA Today Book Lists. I also believe that a lot of writers, once they make that first or second contract deal, start thinking about all of these other things and not so much about the book.

What is it that we [editors and agents] tell writers all of the time. "Focus on writing the best damn book you can write." Quit obsessing over all of these other things.

I think you will find that your success will come quicker and be much bigger if you do this.