Common Tips That Promise You A Rejection

Are you someone who loves rejections? Are you that person who loves to brag at conferences of how many rejections you have received, or you have that completely manufactured list of great authors and the number of rejections they had memorized? Then wait no longer. I am going to provide for you today, at no cost, a list of guaranteed ways to get a rejection letter. And who knows, maybe you'll get a stack of "no responses" too which are equally as valuable a rejection letter!

1. Attaching your query letter to a blank email. Um, do you really think we'll open up an attachment like this in a time of internet insecurity?
2. Proclaiming your greatness and telling us we will be sorry to pass you up.
3. Talking about Aliens
4. Telling us Oprah or some other major author is considering your work. (I have actually had people tell me an author, who is dead, was considering the work)
5. Slamming another author, editor or agent. 
6. Providing the comments from other editors or agents as to why they rejected you for this same project.
7. Lying
8. Simply telling us to go look at your website to get all of the details
9. Telling us you have amazing sales but never giving us numbers.
10. Swearing or rambling on like some deranged person and then trying to justify that rant as an artistic expression and passion that simply cannot be contained.
11. Send us something we don't acquire (OK, I get this one is serious but it is a guaranteed rejection). 
12. Resubmitting the same project over and over again with a different name.
13. Sending out one letter and then cc'ing all of the other people you are sending it to.
14. Calling us by the wrong name (Hint, my name is NOT Mr. Greyhaus)
15. Telling us you love all of our authors but not knowing who they are, or showing us that your genre (see #11 above), which doesn't match, is equal to their writing.
16. Trying to justify that even though we don't acquire your genre, it is worth the effort.
17. Adding our email to your mailing list
18. Submitting your project in a fashion we don't want.
19. Complaining after a rejection (this will be for the next time you try)
20. Slamming us on social media and thinking we won't see it.

That should float you for the weekend.